


i thought therefore i was

by MichaelKyan



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Agender Character, Alternate Universe - High School, Friendship, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Queer Themes, Queerplatonic Relationships, Suicide Attempt, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-03-25
Packaged: 2018-09-22 00:40:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9574256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MichaelKyan/pseuds/MichaelKyan
Summary: Jon Risinger wasn't planning on living until tomorrow, much less meet a kind stranger while sitting over the ledge of a bridge. And they sure as hell weren't expecting to become best friends with him and find enough strength to keep trying throughout their high school career.





	1. won't you stay alive? i'll take you on a ride [i will make you believe you are lovely]

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: this story tackles heavy shit. i don’t have the whole thing planned out so anything could happen. i will do my best to stay as up to date with tags and trigger warnings but i cannot guarantee anything in the future. if this story takes a turn i will let you know in the notes. every chapter will have trigger note warnings if needed. if anything you need tagged isn’t tagged, tell me in a pm please and i will do my best to accommodate. 
> 
> **This chapter tw: suicide attempt**
> 
> this story is a form of therapy for me. please respect that. 
> 
> Story title: Forever Now by Green Day  
> Chapter 1 title: Lovely by twenty one pilots
> 
> The first chapter was posted for the Monty Oum Project

The water underneath the bridge wasn’t as terrifying as Jon imagined. 

Cars zoomed by and the sun was beginning to set as Jon dangled their feet over the edge. They were sitting over the road, next to the sidewalk, palms pressed hard into the concrete. Their long hair was mostly kept up in a blue hat, but the ends were blowing in the cold wind, only colder because of the water. The night itself wasn’t nearly as chilly as it could be, enough for a light hoodie at most in the early November dusk. Jon didn’t notice. Jon couldn’t take their eyes of the water.

“One push,” they thought. “One push and it’s over. The thoughts end. The headaches go away. The yelling...stops.”

Jon took a deep breath. They truly never thought it’d come to this. The thoughts were abstract for the longest time, what death would feel like. It was never personal. Suicide was never part of the plan, but the plans never really stayed solid enough anyways. 

_“Do it, just do it. Then you’re at peace. No more of this hell. God, you sound like a fucking cliche right now. Shut the fuck up. Everything is fine. Go home.”_

Jon’s knuckles were nearly white from how hard they were gripping the stone. This was the worst of it: the back and forth. The constant yelling over what to do and how to feel drove Jon over the edge. Jon lifted themselves up on the palms of their hands to readjust. They had been sitting there for what felt like ever; they left their phone at home and they lost their watch a few months prior. Jon just knew it was nearly night, with the sun about half set. That was the new plan, watch the sunset one last time then fall. 

Jon swallowed hard. Not one person had stopped to check them out. They had always heard that classic story of someone coming to talk down a suicide jumper and saving the day. Not one person had swung by yet or even blinked twice to see a teenager sitting on the side of a bridge. Not that they could necessarily stop them, but just to see if anyone really cared enough for a stranger. 

The sun was just about set when the thoughts got louder again. _“Here we are. End of the road, you said you were gonna do it. You have everything settled. You left your note and will-like list in your room next to your phone. You told your mom you loved her before ‘going to take a walk’. You told your friends, all two of them, you care for them…”_ Jon’s breathing was getting a bit sporadic. They stood up and gripped the rail behind them to stay steady. The water was scarier from the higher angle. Jon would stick their foot out and hover it over the small waves, just to retract it back in. The sun was merely a thin line on the horizon, the cloudy city night sky having arrived. 

“It’s time.”

Jon stuck their foot out just as a biker was going by.

“Hey.”

Jon turned around to see a teenager, around their age, stopped on their bike. “Uh, hi.”

“Are you okay?”

Jon opened their mouth just to close it again to nod their head no. They sat down on the strip, still facing the river, letting tears roll down their face for the first time all night. The other teenager hopped off their bike, having it rest on its kickstand. They stood behind Jon, not getting too close but still in a distance where they could interject. 

“I’m Ryan, he/his. What’s your name?” the kid, Ryan, asked.

“I’m Jon...they/them,” they choked out. “You...introduce yourself with pronouns?” Jon turned to face him. Ryan had longish hair like themselves and had a strong build, like someone who worked out on the daily. 

“I do, I first picked up the habit from some friends, but then realized it applied to me as well. You use they/them? That’s pretty cool. I have a friend who uses them too!”

Jon smirked at this stranger’s kindness, amazed at how long it took but that it had happened at all. Jon turned back to the water, though, still aching for that release. 

“Can you swing your legs around for me?” Ryan asked, his voice soft like cotton. He reached out his hand to Jon, who refused and scooted back down, lower to the water again. Scared, Ryan moved closer and kneeled down, resting his arms against the road divider. His brain was wracking itself, trying to think of a way to break the ice and get off the topic at hand. 

“Do you, uh, like video games?” Ryan tried. Jon nodded, eyes locked down at their feet again. Their brain was screaming louder than ever before. They couldn’t think about video games no matter how hard they tried, which Ryan picked up on quickly. Ryan took in the distance from the bridge to the water. It was just tall enough to do significant damage, if Jon was lucky. It wouldn’t be the first time someone killed themselves from the bridge and Ryan was nearly praying there wouldn’t be another one right in front of him. 

Jon, meanwhile, was trying desperately to get out of their own head. _“This stranger is just trying to make himself feel better. It has nothing to do with you. He would’ve stopped for literally anyone else. Just go now before he talks again. But on the other hand, look how fucking nice this guy is. He’s talking to me like I’m a child. I’m both offended and flattered because I know I couldn’t handle anymore but also how does he know I couldn’t handle more he’s only like 16 at most it’s not like has a degree in psych. And his voice is like velvet. I don’t want to hear it again. If I do I’m just gonna hurt even more on the way down. Which is stupid. Why is this stranger suddenly so important to me?”_

“Do you like singing? I love singing. Can I sing for you?” Ryan was ready to get down there himself to keep Jon company but did his best to stay put. Jon’s thoughts paused and they nodded. They even went as far as to scoot back up from the water and sit on the edge of the road again. Not for any other reason than hearing Ryan clearer, they told themselves.

“If you don’t like Green Day, my bad, I’ve just been really into their new album lately,” admitted Ryan, having Jon give a small nod in return. Jon had no idea why their voice decided now was the time to disappear, but alas. 

_“Where can I find the city of shining light_  
_In an ordinary world?_  
_How can I leave a buried treasure behind_  
_In an ordinary world?_

_The days into years roll by_  
_It's where that I live until I die_  
_Ordinary world_

_What would you wish if you saw a shooting star_  
_In an ordinary world?_  
_I've walked to the end of the earth and afar_  
_In an ordinary world_

_Baby, I don't have much_  
_But what we have is more than enough_  
_Ordinary world_

_Where can I find the city of shining light?_  
_In an ordinary world_  
_How can I leave a buried treasure behind?_  
_In an ordinary world_

_Baby, I don't have much_  
_But what we have is more than enough_  
_Ordinary world”_

“That was the first one on my mind, sorry if it got too personal. I know it’s more of a romantic thing but I’m not the romantic type...” Ryan said once he finished. Jon couldn’t believe how much they were into Ryan so quickly. They could tell it was turning into the savior you-saved-my-life infatuation and idolization but it felt, dare they say, good.

“I…” Jon tried to say. Ryan’s ears perked up and he moved back over to Jon, standing behind them once again. The sun had long set by this point, only surrounded by some scattered stars in the sky and the streetlights shining over them.

Jon finally found their voice again. “I feel like I’m fucking suffocating.”

Ryan put a hand on their shoulder. “Please, come back to my place. I’ll take care of you tonight. I won’t hurt you. I got you.”

Jon held their breath. The splashing waters beneath them kept going on and on, the same way Ryan stayed in place until Jon made up their mind. 

Jon swung their legs back over from the water to the sidewalk. 

“Okay.”


	2. and i'd promise you anything for another shot at life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title - Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes by Fall Out Boy
> 
> I also liked the title "what a match, i'm half doomed and you're semi sweet" so there's the alt title lol
> 
> TW: post-suicide attempt so they still loosely talk about it

Jon and Ryan walked together, Ryan leading the bike so they could keep pace. They were going back to Ryan’s house, not even a mile away from the bridge. Neither one of them really knew what to say, so they let the ambient sounds of the night fill the gap until then.

Jon was surprised, to say the least. They were for sure not supposed to be alive right then. Instead, they were supposed to be in the river, dead from the fall, if not from drowning. Jon’s mind was scattered between feeling relieved, to feeling guilty, to feeling like they betrayed themselves. Before long, Jon’s eyes filled up again and tears slipped out. Ryan noticed, and knew to jump back on the conversation wagon.

“So..do you live around here? I’ve never seen you before,” Ryan said, still being as gentle as he was before. 

Jon nodded. “Two blocks over that way,” they pointed, “Actually...can we swing by there real fast?” Jon nearly whispered.

“Of course!” Ryan said, “Show me the way. I actually don’t live too far from you, only another two blocks north from you. Do we go to the same school? I’m at Austin High.”

Jon shook his head no. “I’m at LASA. Moved here for it, actually. I carpool with friends.”

“Wow! That’s pretty cool. Different schools, though. That’s why we’ve never met,” Ryan concluded. “At least we met now, albeit under stressful circumstances.”

“I’m sorry.” Jon looked at Ryan. “I-I’m sorry that you had to...see that,” they said, deeply exhaling after. 

“Hey now, you have nothing to apologize for,” Ryan started. “I don’t know what brought you to do that, but I saw you and thought you needed some help. I’m just glad you’re okay enough right now to be walking with me. And even if you weren’t, I’d try to, like, prop you up on my bike and balance you the way home.”

“Why are you being so nice to me?” asked Jon. “Like, we’ve known each other for maybe a half an hour and you’re treating me like someone you’ve known forever.”

Ryan shrugged. “‘S my nature. I met one of my best friends like that, sort of. Not with the same start but in the way we were talking and shooting the shit as if we were siblings but we met maybe the day before at some school event. To be fair, though, it doesn’t always work out in my favor. One time I had a pretty good friend that I trusted with everything up and move away without even telling me. I tried emailing them, calling them, you name it. But to this day, I’ve never heard back.”

Jon fell silent again, merely muttering an “oh” in response. 

“Don’t feel bad, though,” Ryan quickly assured. “Even if we never talk again after tonight, it’ll be alright. It’s just one of those traits about me where I am super welcoming and I wouldn’t trade it for anything!”

Jon smiled and turned towards a house. It was a single story home with a black roof and matching shutters. A silver car was in the driveway, and Ryan could hear an audible sigh of contempt out of Jon. 

“Is it okay if you wait outside?” Jon turned to ask Ryan. “I’ll be super quick, really just need to grab my phone.”

Ryan nodded, shooing them to get inside. Jon got the spare key from under the welcome mat and let themselves inside, hoping to be in and out in not even two minutes. Before they could even tip toe to their room, Jon’s mom was calling their name. 

“Hi Mom!” Jon called back with the same cheery tone. They walked in to see their mom and her boyfriend snuggling on the couch, watching some sitcom. “Sorry I didn’t call, my phone died,” Jon lied.

“No worries, love. There’s some leftovers on the stove if you’re interested,” Jon’s mom offered. 

“I-uh, Lindsay actually invited me to spend the night. We have a project to work on and figured start it early before we end up forgetting about it,” Jon explained, lying yet again. Their mom and her boyfriend nodded, wishing them well and going back to their show. Jon went to their room and instantly picked up the note, shoving it in their jean’s pocket. After grabbing a bag full of a change of clothes, their phone, and a charger, they went back outside to meet Ryan, waiting on his phone. 

“Sorry about that. My mom’s the type of parents who’d be all interrogative about you and your life and I don’t exactly want to say we met because of a suicide attempt,” Jon rattled off. 

Ryan chuckled, “Yeah, not the best of introductions but I’ll take what I can get.” Jon's face flushed as they resumed their walk to Ryan’s place. 

“Oh, it might seem weird, but my dad isn’t home. I’d normally bring a new friend home to meet him and whoever he’s currently dating, but that night won’t be tonight. He’s out of town on business...I hope that’s alright,” explained Ryan.

“Yeah, that’s okay,” Jon said, their stomach twisting as Ryan referred to them as a friend. “More people sometimes isn’t the best for me.”

“No, I hear you. Sometimes my group of friends gets too much for me. I even will let them crash at my place in return for me going to bed early sometimes. Ah, the joys of being an extroverted introvert.”

Jon scoffed as they walked up the driveway. Ryan’s house was the same build as Jon’s, single story. They both took their shoes off at the door while Jon took in the layout. The dining room, living room, and kitchen all sort of bled into one another, and then bedrooms were down a short hallway. Ryan went off for a moment to throw his and Jon's backpack into his room while Jon took a seat in the kitchen. Ryan was back before they knew it and moved to look for food.

“So, what can I get you? Coffee? Tea? Soda?” Ryan asked, getting a can of Diet Coke for himself out of the fridge. 

“Oh gosh, uh, water is fine,” Jon sputtered out. Ryan got a glass from the cabinet and filled it up, resting it on the table until Jon was ready. Jon took a seat and took a sip, simply being thankful they was there to be able to drink. 

“Can I interest you in dinner? I'm starving. We can order or I can try and make something…” Ryan said, rummaging through the cabinets. “We have tremendous amounts of pasta, ramen noodles...or we can wait like a half hour for some delivery. What do you think?”

Jon opened their mouth to speak but nothing came out. Between nearly dying and being taken into a new friend’s home to be cared for, the excitements of the day were starting to become overwhelming. 

_“This is already too much. He gave you water of all things. You’re being such a bother. But of course he would give you water, that’s like, host 101 for fuck’s sake. It’s nothing special he gave you water. If you got, like, one of the Diet Cokes, maybe, but still, why didn’t you just stay home when you had the chance,”_ Jon’s head was at it again with the arguing.

Ryan saw Jon’s head start to turn and stare off into space. Their mind was running laps again, and Ryan knew it just by the way their eyes were slightly glossing over. He sat down across from Jon, taking a swig of Coke. “Jon, what’s your favorite food?”

“My favorite food? Like ever?” Jon swung their head to look Ryan in the eye, unaware of how far their had zoned out. “Uh, fuck, pizza’s always a good one.”

“What’s your favorite kind of pizza?”

Jon took a deep breath. “I mean, pepperoni and extra cheese, my mom and I used to make it all the time. That and I’d sometimes bring extra cheese with me to school to put it on the school pizza since it was never cheesy enough.”

Ryan was beaming, “Then let’s do that. That sounds bomb right now... I’ll call it in so we can get it ASAP, does that work?”

“Oh gosh, I’ve already come into your home, Ryan. Seriously, I’d be imposing. Ramen is fine, too. I don’t want to be a bother at all,” Jon let some of the steam in their head out.

“It’s my treat. Plus I could really go for some pizza. Long week at school, if you know what I mean.”

Ryan left the room to order the pizza while Jon rested their head on the table. It wasn’t until there was a piping hot pizza in front of their face that they realized they passed out. 

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” Jon said, trying to get stands of hair out of their face, dropping their hat behind them in the process. “I must look like a wreck, Jesus Christ.”

“Eh, yeah, but considering your situation I’m surprised how composed you do look. Don’t forget your hat.” Ryan pointed behind them. Jon scurried to pick it up and get enough focus on the pizza at hand. Ryan ordered a medium pie just the way Jon liked it, pepperoni and extra cheese. 

“I honestly owe you so much, man,” Jon said, taking a slice for themselves. “Like, I can pay you back for this as soon as I’m able to again.”

“Jon, relax. You’re fine,” Ryan said, mouth full of cheese. “You’re my guest tonight. Now let me ask, would you do the same for me?”

“Are you joking? In a heartbeat.”

“Then you have absolutely nothing to worry about.”

\---

Ryan was lying on his bed, having changed into cozier clothes while Jon took a shower. His room was right next door so if Jon needed anything he could hear and be there in a moment’s notice. While he waited for Jon, his group chat messages were blowing up, per usual for a Friday night.

Michael: so who’s going where tn i need plans y’all

Gavin: come on over boi i got nothing going on, same to the rest of you too

Jack: geoff and i are gonna see a movie but maybe after 

Geoff: we’d invite the rest of you twats but a. it’s date night and 2. the last time we were in a theater together we got booted so

Ryan: but the memories, geoff!

Ryan: i’m off the radar tn. made a new friend & helping them out with stuff

Jeremy: what?! since when do you stray from the squad rye

Ryan: long story, but i’m sure once we become better friend they’ll wanna meet y’all

Geoff: nerd

Michael: did you kiss them???? is this why you’re ditching us

Ryan: ahaha. no. i’ll give you more deets once things calm down

Jack: how intense IS your night to where it needs to calm down??

Ryan: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Ryan: i promise i’ll tell you more. maybe tomorrow night? roller rink anyone? i’ll treat for shakes after 

Gavin: yeah i’ll go 

Jeremy: yeah same, i’ll pick you up ryebread & gavvers. we can work out times and stuff l8r

Michael: i wanna go!!

Jeremy: i gotcha too michael

Jack: :(

Jeremy: ...and jack

Jack: :)

Geoff: *eyebrow waggle*

Jeremy: ...fine

Ryan chuckled and set his phone down as Jon came back in. They had changed into fresh clothes and were drying their hair with a towel still. “Thank you again for everything,” Jon said, still working the moisture out of their hair. 

“If you thank me one more time,” Ryan teased, throwing a cow pillow pet at Jon. Jon smirked and sat down on the edge of the bed, hanging the towel on the doorknob. “So, what do you wanna do?” asked Ryan.

Jon shrugged, hugging the pillow Ryan threw at them. “Still your call, I’m the one in your house.”

“All the more reason to let you pick,” Ryan insisted. Jon blushed and saw an Xbox One sitting underneath a small TV.

“What kind of games do you have?” 

Ryan knelt down to see what games Jon would like, alongside scrolling through already downloaded games, before deciding on Minecraft of all games. Ryan created a new world and handed Jon a controller, which they took while still keeping the pillow close to them. Jon wasn’t planning to let go of the pillow pet anytime soon, nearly gripping it to keep holding on. That security was keeping them strong since their main security item was back home, unfortunately forgotten in the heat of the night. 

They built a wooden hut in Minecraft to start and gathered supplies, working towards the common goal of getting the Enderdragon. As the night progressed, Ryan would look over to Jon to see them calming down. They loosened their grip on the cow pillow, affectionately named Edgar, and watched as their face relaxed. Ryan took a deep breath of relief, unintentionally having Jon turn and lose their peace. 

“You okay?” Jon asked. “Did you want your cow back?”

“No no, you hold onto Edgar for tonight. I’m just happy you’re feeling better, is all.”

Jon blushed once again. “You’re, like, the nicest person I know. And I’ve known you for… about 6 hours now. Wait, it’s already close to midnight?”

Ryan looked at the clock too and realized just how much time they lost in Minecraft. “To be fair, we did do a lot in Minecraft. It’s not the most shocking. I, uh, was actually wanting to ask you if you wanted to see each other again tomorrow. If you need to rest, that’s okay, too. My friends and I are going rollerblading and I wanted to invite you.”

As Ryan watched Jon freeze up, he began to insist it was okay to say no, that his feelings wouldn’t be hurt. Jon nodded, yawning deeply. Ryan offered to let them sleep in his bed, but they both knew that wouldn’t really take. Instead, Jon setup next to the bed, with extra pillows, a blanket, and Edgar. As Ryan turned off the light to let Jon drift off, he put headphones in for both music and YouTube, because normally Ryan would be up until 4 but he didn’t want to bother his new friend who desperately needed some sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I normally try to update weekly but man, I was sick last weekend and my life is crazy these days. Weekly updates are my goal at least!
> 
> Follow me on social media to stay up to date! My twitter is locked but please do not hesitate to send a request! <3
> 
> My twitter - @hey_holyroller  
> My tumblr - heyholyroller
> 
> also idk austin's geography ~that~ well so enjoy the random placement of schools i found on wikipedia


	3. the hardest part of ending is starting again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title: waiting for the end by linkin park
> 
> fun fact this song has one of my fave music videos to go along with it
> 
> this is also v lightly editing so apologies in advance

Jon woke up in their own bed Monday morning to the sound of their alarm clock. They shut it off, taking a deep breath before rubbing the sleep out of their eyes. Having a full hour before needing to catch their carpool, Jon toyed with their phone, waking up and getting ready for the day.

Jon looked back over the text conversation they had with Ryan. Ryan walked Jon back home the next morning after their night together, and Ryan would text now and again to check in on them. Jon would reply mostly with emojis, either a “thumbs up” for feeling good, a “thumbs down” when feeling bad, and laughing emojis when Ryan would send a dumb Internet meme to cheer them up. The texts admittedly got slower when Ryan was with his friends, but Jon understood fully. They even had Lindsay over later that Saturday to actually work on a project so Jon was safe, both emotionally and educationally. 

Now with school again, Jon wasn’t feeling too ready to face the halls again. Considering that last Friday, Jon wasn’t expecting to go at all, much less on a Monday morning. With a heavy sigh, they rolled out of bed to find some sweatpants to throw on, not being bothered with jeans today.

Meanwhile, Ryan was already up eating breakfast. He twiddled his thumbs over the keyboard of his phone in between bites of cereal. 

_“What if they’re not up yet...I don’t want to wake them up. I’ll wait until I get to school. That should be fine...right?”_

Before Ryan could think, Jon already sent him a sun emoji. Ryan sighed a breath of relief and texted back his own sun. He sent another cat picture and inhaled the rest of his cereal, losing track of time and needing to catch his bus. 

=

Jon felt an odd sense of relief when the final bell of the school day rang.

“Okay, I did it,” they whispered to themselves. “I survived another Monday…”

As they meandered over to their locker to grab some things, they ran into Meg along the way. 

“Hey loser!” Meg called out, grabbing Jon’s attention. 

Jon just rolled their eyes and smiled. “What's happenin’, Turney?”

“I feel like I haven't seen you in forever! Lindsay and I are gonna go to her place, wanna come?” The light in Meg’s eyes from being so happy to see Jon nearly made Jon’s heart swell. 

“I’d love to, but I think I just need to grab some coffee and go home. What are you doing later this week?”

The two chatted next to Jon’s locker well after all the buses left and no one was left besides some idle teachers walking back and forth from their classrooms. It wasn't long before Meg had to be off for some practice and Jon was on their way to get some coffee. As they left the front doors of their school, they got a text from Ryan. 

“Do you wanna hang out after school? I can meet you somewhere around 3 if you want!”

Jon replied, saying they were going to be at their local coffee place for a while, so he could swing by at any time. They gave the name and address of where they planned to be and Ryan sent back not only the thumbs up emoji but one with a huge, cheesy grin. Jon smiled and popped their headphones in to listen to music while walking. 

=

Jon was nursing a white hot chocolate while attempting to read a book as they waited for Ryan. With the seasons switching the coffee shop offered limited time drinks, having Jon change their mind from bitter coffee to something sweet and chocolatey. Despite reading the same page three times over, Jon just couldn't focus long enough to read a page. It lead to them cursing at themselves, much to the dismay of other customers nearby. 

_“Just shut up and focus. Okay, from the top….I wonder when Ryan will get here. Shit! Stop thinking about him for five goddamn minutes. Concentrate! You gotta read this book for class…”_

Just as Jon tried to start over again, Ryan came walking inside. He waved over at Jon and held his finger up, getting in line first to order something. Jon was not only relieved to put their book away, but also to have the company of Ryan. 

A few minutes passed and Ryan took his seat. “This place is just the cutest! I've been here a few times before, you have good taste.”

Jon chuckled and took a sip of their cocoa. “What did you order?” they asked. 

“Mocha. I need the caffeine but I also wanted something sweeter too, y'know?” Ryan said, taking the lid off so it could cool a bit. 

“I understand. I got a white hot chocolate since it's seasonal and all that,” Jon said. “It's so good!”

They took turns trying each other's drinks to confirm the other had good taste and caught each other up about their days. Ryan talked about his classes and the shenanigans that happened between him and his friends which got Jon to laugh a little bit. They got so caught up in each other’s company that when there was a lull in conversation, Jon looked a bit discouraged.

“What’s the matter, Jon?” Ryan asked.

“I...I’m having a really hard time with time,” Jon finally answered.

“What do you mean?”

“Like, a week ago I wrote my suicide note. And that feels like it was...I don’t know, a year ago, or more. But it was last week...and so much has changed since then. I’m a new person, which is great, but...it’s like, I look back at it like this wasn’t supposed to happen. I’m supposed to be dead. I’m not supposed to be here, sipping peppermint cocoa with you and laughing. I feel really guilty for feeling okay when I feel like I shouldn’t be. And I’m having a tough time moving on from all that, despite the fact I need to for my health. That logical side of my mind understands that...and yet I’m still having trouble. This wasn’t supposed to happen...” 

Jon put their head down on the table, fighting back the urge to cry. Ryan let Jon take a moment and sipped on his own drink in the meantime. When Jon started calming down, Ryan started again.

“This isn’t my place to say so, but I believe you’d benefit from professional help. I am here for you as often as I can, but I worry that you’ll need me at a time that doesn’t work for me and then things won’t go so well, y’know. I can help you find someone, if you like. I know the therapists at school pretty well, I can mention you without it being much of a hassle.”

“You’d do that for me?” Jon whispered, lifting their head up to meet Ryan’s eyes. 

“Of course, Jon. You’re important to me, and again, I just want what’s best for you.”

Jon took a deep breath and nodded. They felt their breathing increase before they could catch it, and before they knew it, their face crumpled. Jon rushed out of the shop, leaving behind their cocoa and schoolbag. They ran all the way home, feeling their heart in their throat. 

Ryan could barely turn by they time they were gone, nearly running away to escape whatever manifested. He texted Gavin to meet him for coffee, giving Jon some time in case they were to come back for their things. 

Ryan: coffee?

Gavin: yea m8. give me 5 to get over there. everything ok?

Ryan: oh yeah. jon left and i haven’t even ordered my to go yet. figured some company’d be nice :)

Gavin: haha nice. ok i’m omw now, michael’s here too so he’s coming if that’s cool

Ryan: sounds good!

Ryan chuckled, already trying to think about what to get today for his workload later. The extra boost of caffeine kept him going until the late hours of the night so he could make sure everyone was in bed and good for the next day, along with taking care of his own schoolwork. 

Before long, Gavin came in with Michael, putting their bags down at Ryan’s table. Gavin went over to order for himself and Michael while Michael took a seat. 

“How’s your new friend doing?”

Ryan shrugged. “Heavy emotional stuff. They ran out without their things so once I order my to go I’m gonna drop it off at their place.”

Michael winced. “That tough?”

“It’s not my place to say really, I’m not a pro, but there’s definitely some stuff going on. But we all have baggage, just sometimes act out, I’m sure you know that Mr. Rage Quit.”

Michael lightly punched his arm while Gavin came back with drinks. They started chatting about their day, from venting about teachers to telling funny lunch stories. Just as they were going to leave, Ryan got up to order his to go and another drink for someone else that needed the boost.

=

Jon was playing some game on their phone when the door rang. They cocked their head to the sound of the doorbell but paid it no mind. After their mom called them up, Jon sighed and went out to see who it was. 

Before them was Ryan with their bag and a coffee cup in one hand and two friends behind him, softly waving. Jon have a small wave back and asked what they were doing here. 

“You left this at the coffee shop, silly,” Ryan said, handing them their bookbag back. “And you looked like you needed another cocoa, courtesy of these dorks behind me.” 

Jon took the cocoa from Ryan and opened their mouth, but Ryan stopped them. 

“Take the night off. Chill, breathe, maybe take a shower. Talk to me when you’re ready, not because the timing seems right. Okay? I’ll text you when I get home.”

Jon nodded, thanking them at the very least as they closed the door. They texted an “I’m so sorry” and went to lay in bed, ending up staying there for the night and falling asleep just before 8 o’clock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how is it already saturday again
> 
> i gotta start dedicating a day of the week to me working on this story oml
> 
> comments and kudos never go unappreciated <3
> 
> social media:  
> twitter: @hey_holyroller  
> tumblr: heyholyroller


	4. i'll crash into you, crash into you [did you crash in my imagination too?]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title - fell for you by green day

“Are you doing anything tomorrow?”

Ryan and Jon were spending the afternoon at Ryan’s, hanging out and playing video games as they relaxed their week away. It had been about two weeks since they met and each day Jon seemed to soften their edges more and more. They were back in their Minecraft world when Ryan had asked the question.

Jon shook their head no, to which Ryan invited them out to see a movie with his friends. “They’re super cool guys that are beyond curious of you, and I already told them to back off questions right away. I can’t guarantee how well that will go for Gavin, but for everyone else, they get it. But I think it’d be a super fun time, we always get a whole bunch of food beforehand and just chill before going in, so...what do you say?”

Jon puffed out their cheeks with air and exhaled before nodding. “I reserve the right to take frequent bathroom breaks if I need to breathe.”

“That is a reasonable thing to ask for,” Ryan assured. “Don’t worry. I’ve known these guys for years. If they get up in your shit, I can yell at them.”

Jon chuckled and definitely agreed, confirming when to show up and immediately texting their mom to let her know. 

=

The next morning, Jon walked to Ryan’s house to be picked up by (his friend Jeremy. Along the way, they texted their own group chat of friends, trying to get most of the nerves out before showing up on Ryan’s doorstep.

Jon: so guess where this nerd is going today :^)

Meg: nowhere because it’s saturday?

Lindsay: i second that ^

Jon: haha

Jon: ryan invited me out to meet his friends!!

Jon: i’m scared

Meg: omg!!

Lindsay: *heart eyes*

Meg: you have your bear right?

Jon: of course, nestled in my jacket

Lindsay: where y’all going?

Jon: movies. it’s their first attempt at going back as a group and ryan thought it’d be an easy setting bc it’s the movies

Meg: he sounds rly smart omg

Jon: well he is an honors student if that helps

Meg: it does

Lindsay: are you sure you’re not into him?

Jon: tbh idk anymore, it still feels…weird, post-Him. but idk. he makes me feel so safe

Lindsay: i see i see

Meg: just take it slow, takes breaks when you need to, you know the story <3

Jon: <3 thanks

Ryan was already waiting outside for Jon when they arrived, and soon after Ryan’s friend Jeremy came and picked them all up. Ryan introduced the two and Jon and Jeremy hit it off since they share the same gender inclusive pronouns. The ride seemed to have only been a few minutes due to the chatter, showing up to the theater before they knew it.

The theater they were going to was new and supposedly state of the art. Ryan said they all decided to grab lunch there beforehand and then catch the movie with some snacks. They met the rest of the crew inside and did some quick intros, just so Jon could match a name with a face. Everyone went to order food, and as they waited, they pushed some tables around so they could all sit together. Once everyone was settled, they started overlapping one another, leaving Jon out of it, but they appreciated the time to become accustomed to everyone. They were head over heels for Jeremy’s colored hair and Gavin’s accent. They felt intimidated by Geoff but welcomed by Jack and above all, intrigued by Michael.

“So, are you all juniors, too?” Jon asked once the conversation died down a bit.

“Nah, these two lovebirds here are seniors. Lucky pricks,” Michael answered.

“Not really! We’re in college hell!” Jack sneered back. “The app process is insane.”

“You’re not prepping for anymore tests, I don’t want to hear it,” Jeremy cut in, taking a bite from his burger. “My mom barely let me come out today because my SAT is in like a month.”

“Fuck that,” Geoff said. “Find a school that doesn’t take that shit. All my schools couldn’t give less shits about standardized tests. It’s ridiculous to measure intelligence that way anyways.”

Jeremy shrugged. “Tell that to my mom.”

“No thanks,” Geoff scoffed.

“How’s your food, Jon?” Gavin asked.

“It’s pretty good, better than most theater food. I’m impressed,” Jon smiled.

“Mine smelled better than it tasted, but I can’t complain too hard,” Jeremy sighed. “Alas.”

Jon laughed a little, “At least you can smell.”

All eyes turned to Jon. _Shit, shit, shit. Why’d you go and say that? Now they’re going to think you’re more of a freak than you really are. Good going, Risinger._

“I’m sorry, what?” Geoff spoke up first. “Did you just imply you have no sense of smell?”

“…yeah?” Jon sheepishly answered. Ryan cocked his head towards Jon faster than anyone.

“You didn’t tell me that! That’s…weird.”

Jon explained that it was part of a syndrome they were born with and had never been able to smell. This led into a series of questions and the spotlight being right on Jon, who could only handle it for so long. They excused themselves to the bathroom and rushed off to breathe for a minute. Ryan soon followed after.

“You okay, bud?” Ryan called into the empty bathroom.

“Mhm!” Jon called back.

“You sure?”

Jon came out of a stall holding onto a small bear and keeping it together. “I didn’t cry so it was a good time. Just needed to get out of that for a second. Whew.”

“No, I get it. I’m sorry if what I said was ill timed. I admittedly didn’t really know what to say.” Ryan shrugged. “I didn’t want to say ‘that’s cool’ because I just don’t know if it is or not. I’ve heard of people being blind or deaf, but not having a sense of smell is a new one in my book.”

“It is for a lot of people, trust me you’re good,” Jon assured him. “I’m more stressed with myself for bringing it up in the first place. It always draws a crowd which, as you can tell, I’m not…good with.”

Ryan assured them that the group would be chill, and they were, mostly because Ryan had texted them to drop the conversation. They walked back and finished up their food before, of course, going over and getting some snacks for the movie itself. 

“What’re you going to get, Ryan?” Jon asked, looking up at the menu board.

“I’m feeling some popcorn, maybe a soda. What about you?”

“Close to the same, I’m still full from eating...5 minutes ago.” Jon chuckled. “Do you wanna share something?”

“I’ll share a popcorn if you want. Small? The smalls are always way too big for me to finish after eating a meal. My treat.”

“No, I’ll get it, you already got the tickets. I can get it,” Jon insisted. “I owe you anyways,” they winked. Ryan just rolled his eyes and let them take over, having them order a small popcorn and two sodas. 

“Hey Michael…” Gavin whispered, standing behind Ryan and Jon in line.

“What’s up dude?”

“Those two are...clicking really well. Like...super well.”

Michael just sighed. “Dude, we both know Ryan’s ace and aro. Chill yourself.”

=

The crew walked into the theater, and Jon was blown away. Instead of regular chairs, there were leather-like loveseats tiered throughout the room. Geoff and Jack sat in one, Michael and Gavin in another, then Ryan and Jon, with Jeremy with a seat to themselves. Ryan showed Jon how to recline back, and they almost fell asleep on the spot. Jon pulled out their security bear, tucking him under their arm for the movie.

“Now y’all best behave, we don’t want a repeat of last time,” Geoff scolded, pointing his finger down the line to everyone.

“Yes, Daddy Geoff!” Michael teased, while Gavin threw popcorn towards him. Geoff rolled his eyed and almost got up to sock him, but Jack held his arm back.

“Geoff, you’re going to be the one getting booted before the trailers!” Jack whisper-yelled. Geoff chuckled and settled back in, munching on the popcorn that Gavin had tossed over. Jon couldn’t help but watch and laugh, easing themselves into the chair even more. Ryan and them were sharing popcorn, which got Jeremy to slyly take some photos of the friendship.

“So Jon,” Gavin leaned over, sitting next to them, only divided by the armrest, “What do you think so far?” he asked, getting pelted by popcorn once again from Geoff.

“You guys are really funny,” Jon answered, picking a piece of popcorn out of Gavin’s hair.

“I really like your bear! What’s the name?” Michael questioned, leaning over Gavin to get a better look. Gavin squawked from the sudden impact and tried tapping out, only to have Michael just lift his chest up to save the day.

“Oh, he doesn’t really have a name, I normally just call him Bear.”

“You should call him Mogar! Of course, if you want to. Or you can, like, hyphenate it, Mogar Bear! Or Bear Mogar…”

Jon laughed and said they’d think about it. Michael winked and gave a thumbs up before finally getting off Gavin’s legs. Before they knew it, the lights dimmed and previews started to play, getting everyone to be quiet for a few minutes. Jon peeked down the row of friends to see how they were doing when the trailers were dull. Jack and Geoff cuddled right up, and Jeremy stretched out on the couch; they had bought the seat next to them as well. Michael and Gavin were close, just enough to share popcorn, akin to Ryan and Jon. They were still tossing popcorn to one another, with Geoff hitting Michael’s arm without even looking up from the screen. Ryan tried getting them to chill, but to no avail. Once the movie officially started, everyone was finally calm and invested.

Jon liked what they saw of the movie. Between being calm and being in a reclining seat, the next thing they knew after the movie was being woken up by Gavin. They sat up off Ryan’s shoulder and stretched a little, before realizing where they were and blushing like no tomorrow.

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry,” Jon said, covering their mouth.

“It’s okay!” Michael assured. “You only missed…half the movie?”

Geoff snickered, making Jon feel small. Ryan sat up too, stretching and yawning. “What’d I miss?” he asked.

“Christ, like everything!” Jeremy said. “We didn’t notice you two were out until near the end, admittedly. If it were any earlier I would’ve nudged you awake.”

Jon felt absurdly embarrassed to have been so vulnerable like that. Especially after seeing the photos of them and Ryan resting on one another, Jon on his shoulder and Ryan atop them. While briefly thinking the photos were cute, they bottled it right up and just laughed along with everyone else.

_“It was enough to be accepted by these guys,”_ Jon thought. _“Can’t ruin it with messy feelings.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> istg saturdays creep up on me
> 
> fun announcement tho! i made a public professional twitter! that's where i'm gonna post updates and stuff
> 
> follow me there **@Michaelkyan**! i'll be using my private for another week alongside this one but then i'm gonna switch over and solely use this one for fic updates
> 
> tumblr is cool too - heyholyroller


	5. slow, leave walking to the world, give your feet a chance [they'll do all the thinking]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title - pas de cheval by panic! at the disco
> 
> hello i apologize for a 3 week delay please forgive me
> 
> quick tw for suicide but geoff is just being an ass and it's not serious at all

“Whoever sat down to create college admissions can suck my entire asshole.”

Geoff nearly snapped a pencil in half as he sat at a table. Jack and Ryan were there, too, taking in the frustrated Geoff. They were sitting in their school library after school, Ryan to work on homework while the seniors were still fiddling away at college admissions. 

“Just do the Common App like everyone else,” Ryan countered. 

“But none of my schools use it. I gotta individually do separate applications if I wanna get into these schools,” explained Geoff. 

“Sucks to suck then,” Jack muttered. Geoff lightly slapped him, before kissing his hand to make up for it. Ryan chuckled at the couple, “What are y’all gonna do in different schools next year?”

“Kill myself. I mean!” Geoff started, joking, of course. Jack sighed while Ryan rolled his eyes. “We’re gonna be fine. It’s not like either of us is leaving Texas at least.”

Jack nodded quickly, a little too quickly but that was only something Ryan picked up. Ryan said nothing and returned to his science homework.

“How’s Jon doing, Rye?” Jack asked, trying to prevent any awkwardness that could’ve risen. 

“Doing alright I think, we’re hanging out later today after I’m done here. We might grab some snacks or something, not really determined yet,” Ryan answered. 

“Y’all’ve become fast friends,” Geoff commented, not looking up from his laptop. “And I mean this in the nicest of ways, but, are you two, like...a thing?”

“What? No! Geoff, you know me. I don’t swing that way. Or anyway. On the sexuality playground I am the sandbox. Stationary.”

The table laughed at the analogy and Geoff let it go. He just forewarned that Jon might fall for him, to which Ryan shrugged it off. The trio resumed working in silence, only to be interrupted by Geoff swearing under his breath. 

Ryan moved his chair over next to Geoff. “What’s wrong, dude?”

Geoff explained the scenario to Ryan, the rant being laced with curse words, making Jack giggle just a little bit. Geoff flipped him off seamlessly while still explaining, while Ryan took over and tried walking him through the application. Eventually Geoff just let Ryan do it, offering to help him out with anything he needed in return. Ryan just shook his head and would ask Geoff questions to fill in the information. Once he was done, Geoff took over to write the infamous college essay. 

“You’re a good man, Ryan.”

A sparkle of happiness shot up Ryan’s spine. “Thank _you_ Geoff”

=

“What do you wanna do?”

Jon was laying upside down off their bed while Ryan sat in a nearby beanbag chair. The two of them were sharing the night at Jon’s place; their mom was out for the night with her boyfriend, leaving the two of them all alone. It was a few days before Ryan’s birthday, so they were doing their own mini celebration. They had just finished watching a movie and, despite it being close to midnight, weren’t tired at all.

“I’m pretty open,” Ryan said, “Kinda in the mood for snacks.”

“Wanna go raid the kitchen?” Jon offered. Ryan nodded, and Jon rolled off the bed, excited for food. Ryan could only laugh at Jon’s enthusiasm as he followed them through the small house. The kitchen was nestled next to the dining room, which connected with the living room. Ryan wasn’t used to such a small place comparative to his own, but loved the quaint decor that Jon’s mom had put together. 

“Let’s see what we have here…” Jon said, opening the fridge. “Hmf, not too much. You see anything you want?” 

Ryan peered in and kind of shrugged his shoulders. They did the same routine for the cabinets, Jon noting they had more regular food rather than snack food. 

“Oh! I know!” Jon said, pulling stuff out from a pantry. “We can make cookies!...if you want, that is, of course.” Jon scolded themselves for getting so eager when that feeling could be shot down in a millisecond.

“Yeah! Why not, right?” Ryan answered. “What kind do you want to make?”

Jon’s energy bounced right back. “We have enough for anything, really, we have peanut butter if you like peanut butter cookies...or oatmeal...or mini chocolate chip?” Jon rattled off the ingredients as they moved things around in the pantry.

“Peanut butter or chocolate chip sound good. Or even we can combine the two!”

Jon’s face lit up as they ran to get their phone. Ryan went to pull out more basic baking ingredients, like sugar and baking soda, while Jon found a recipe they could use. Jon began mixing the dry ingredients together while Ryan worked on the wet before they mixed both together. Ryan portioned out even balls of dough as Jon preheated the oven and made the classic criss-cross pattern on top of the cookies. After putting them inside, they went to sit on the couch as they waited for their treats to be ready.

“So, birthday Haywood, what do you want to do for your special day?” Jon asked, leaning their elbow against the couch and resting on their hand. 

“I’m pretty open! I like hanging out with all you, really. Maybe something we could all do together? You should invite your friends too, Lindsay and Meg! And something we all like...I’d want everyone to have a good time, of course.”

“You’re so goddamn selfless, you know that, right?” Jon playfully punched Ryan’s shoulder, getting him to laugh.

“It’s just my nature, I guess! Seeing others happy because of me makes me happy in return. Sometimes, I get worried that it’s all for my own benefit, though.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, what if I just want to be happy and this is how I go about it? Sometimes I worry that it’s all for my gain and no one else's, that it’s just a way for me to justify that. I don’t know, insecurities get me fucked up sometimes.”

“I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing, I mean we all need to be happy, right? The path to your happiness happens to touch others along the way, making them happy too. I can see how you can feel stressed about that, but I feel like of all the people out there, you’re one of the better ones. It’s not like you hurt or neglect people in order to feel good. I think you’re alright.”

Ryan beamed, resting his head against the couch. “It’s also nice to feel taken care of for a change.”

“Oh?” Jon lined their head up match Ryan’s, looking him in the eyes.

“I’m always the one giving advice and shit. And I love it and wouldn’t change a thing about it. But just now, your reassurance gave me a boost of strength and confidence. And I love that feeling, which is also why I’m adamant about making others feel that way. It’s late and I get emo at this hour, but thank you, Jon.”

All while having a heart to heart, they forgot about a certain situation in the kitchen. Ryan smelled burning soon after and Jon ran in to see smoke starting to come out of the oven. They turned the stove off as fast as they could and peered through the oven window to, thankfully, see no fire. Just charcoal pucks on the cookie sheet.

“Well...good news is we didn’t burn the place to the ground. Bad news is we’re out of ingredients, the kitchen smells like burned peanut butter, and we have no cookies,” Jon announced. 

Ryan pursed his lips as he thought of an alternative. “I have an idea.”

=

“You ever see the music video for Jesus of Suburbia by Green Day? I feel like that right now, when the kids were in the convenience store.”

Ryan and Jon had walked a block or so in their pajamas to their nearest corner store. They both had a few spare bucks on them and made the trip to finally get some cookies.

“You say ‘kids’ like you aren’t the exact age as them, they’re teenagers, too,” Ryan countered Jon’s analogy. “But yeah, two teens in a corner store at nearly 1am is definitely something Green Day-esque.”

They were the only two in the store as they went back and forth deciding what to buy. The cashier watched them closely, if for no other reason than to listen to their light bickering back and forth as to which cookies to buy. Jon and Ryan finally decided on a pack of peanut butter Oreos and some rainbow chip cookies, to try and mimic what they were planning to have in the first place. The clerk rang them up with a smile, happy to see some teenagers come through and not cause a ruckus. 

The duo went home, arm in arm out of nerves from being out late at night, and settled in to watch another movie while eating cookies. 

=

Jon’s mother came home in the early morning, just after the sunrise. She walked into her living room to see Jon and Ryan on the couch, fast asleep, with Jon on top of Ryan cuddling. She noted the DVD box half open and the packages of cookies and cookie crumbs on the ground. Before even taking off her coat, she snapped a quick picture before waking them up and asking if they wanted pancakes or French toast for breakfast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so i'm probs gonna be forever again but the good news is this is gonna be my camp nano project so things will get better
> 
> twitter is the best place for updates - @michaelkyan  
> my tumblr is a fun place too - hey-holy-roller
> 
> thank you all for being patient with me <3
> 
> kudos/comments are always fantastic


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